As of Lately

This school year has been.. something. It's interesting how every year, each group of kids create a different classroom culture. Cultivating a positive classroom culture is something I truly try incredibly hard to do, and some years are easier than others to do so. Just like adults, some kids' personalities mesh so well and others--well--definitely don't. Last year my group genuinely loved being together. They were so positive and kind, and we *rarely* had behavior issues. I know. Those years are one in a million. But I soaked it up while I could. :)

This year's group has been a huge challenge in this area. I'm trying to stay positive and upbeat, and I'm trying to focus on the good things, but honestly. It's. Not. Happening. This year isn't just about teaching math and reading and science. It's so much more. Reality is that I spend more time teaching empathy + compassion, explaining how to work out relational problems with our friends instead of giving negative physical/verbal responses, and spend more time consoling a sobbing child and helping them process through their emotions. I know those things are so important, but right now I'm just.. drained. I feel like I'm hardly teaching because I'm managing/correcting behaviors. I cringe at some of the stories my students are coming to school with, knowing some of their realities are ones I cannot imagine. I'm trying to be empathetic. I am. But I've also had to take away so many fun privileges and cancel multiple fun activities because they just cannot handle making good choices when they have any extra freedoms. Then I feel bad for the kids who actually do make good choices consistently and work so hard. I don't like the teacher I am (correction: have to be) this year. I mean, I legitimately cried in front of my students last week out of frustration. Pathetic, I know, but that's what I mean by drained.

Thankfully, my staff is amazing and knows it's a challenging year for me. They've stepped up and helped in ways they were never asked or expected to, and my family has been endlessly listening to me vent and process through my own emotions. I know God is using this year to challenge me and teach me patience, compassion, and empathy as well, but it's tough and most days I'm feeling at a loss.

I stumbled upon Psalm 30 while reading the other day. I've been rereading it and clinging to it's truths.

Hear, O LORD, and be merciful to me,

O Lord, be my helper!

You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;

you have loosed my sackcloth

and clothed me with gladness,

that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent.

O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever.

vs. 10-12

If you could, pray for my students? Pray that they can seek hard after learning true kindness that's not for manipulating purposes. That they would see value in treating others with respect, even if others are different than them or mistreat them. Pray they can treat me with respect, and that they can be intrinsically motivated to do well and work hard. Pray that I can be given endless patience throughout the day, and that God could give me the right words to say when calming a frustrated, angry child who is ready to destruct everything around them. Pray that I can realize that what I'm doing is worth it and important, and that my emotions can stay level when I'm frustrated. Pray that I can have strength and confidence in my teaching ability, and not break down every time someone asks me about my year. Pray that I can see every child through the eyes of Jesus, not through my eyes that see their behaviors.